Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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