you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
