I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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