I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
