just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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