theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So here I am, sexting at work.
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