it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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