dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
