Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dignity is for republicans.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
