I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it because I queefed?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
