I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
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I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.