I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
