I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
