Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
