Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
