The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
