I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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