Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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