watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
