She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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