A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
