just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
