Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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