true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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