Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
