i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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