They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
