Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
