I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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