speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
