This is not my ceiling
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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