ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
