If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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