I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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