im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
