I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
