You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
a search helicopter?!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
