During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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