I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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