I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
do herpes really smell.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
