He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
