Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
