No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
