I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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