All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
