I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
