the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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