The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Randomize
