I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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