I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
