i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
