I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
