I'm so fucking centered right now
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
