so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
