I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
