tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
