Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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