What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
