he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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