I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
